A popular celebrity has enjoyed both appearing on and watching at some distance Jools Holland’s New Year’s Eve celebrations in accordance with the tried and tested laws of Quantum Mechanics.
Singer, Marc Almond, delighted a mildly inebriated nation last night with a string of his eighties’ hits, prompting many viewers to ask just what the fuck he has done to his face.
However due to a theory which predicts real-world objects, including flamboyant New Wave artists, can exist in two states simultaneously, the Tainted Love star was able to watch his performance from his flat in Crouch End with the wife and kids.
The same bizarre law also allowed neatly-coiffeured singer, George Ezra, to perform a blistering set, depending on your tastes, while purchasing courgettes from a fruit & veg stall in Camden as the chimes struck midnight.
Almond said, “No one was more surprised than me to find I was in a long-term heterosexual marriage, with three healthy teenaged sons, all of us watching the box with our feet up, while a steadfastly homophobic nation speculated on the contents of my stomach.
“At the same time as I was being interviewed in a perfunctory manner by Mr Holland, I was also leading an assault against Berlin on the PS4.
“But that’s the weird and wonderful world of Quantum Physics for you, or so I am told.”
Massively hungover Theoretical Physicist, Simon Williams, said, “Almond was able to achieve this feat due his atoms being in two locations at the same time, meaning he could both Say Hello and Wave Goodbye without anyone batting an eyelid.
“The only other explanation would be that Jools Holland and his celebrity chums had conspired in a monstrous fraud upon the British people by prerecording his show sometime in October.
“A telltale sign of this would be that the incompetent arseholes couldn’t even be arsed to sync the Big Ben chimes properly with Jools Holland’s wristwatch.”
He added, “The no-necked little honky-tonk c*nt wouldn’t stoop that low surely?”
This content was originally published here.